New Opportunities, Conquering Fears

 By Kendra ~ On our first trip to D.C. in 2017, Jarret and I decided to try the Subway. To my horror, the first (and only) station we used was accessed through a ludicrously long (like four times as long as any other escalator I have ever seen) escalator down into the bowels of the earth. Tons and tons of earth oppressively pressed down upon the thick concrete ceiling which followed the angle of the escalator so closely that my triple fears of claustrophobia, heights, and escalators caused me to have to stare fixedly at my hands clutching the rail, lest I fall forward down hundreds of steps or have a panic attack. When we arrived at the bottom my perils were not over; the Subway was jam-packed and we had to be pulled in and pressed against people for the quick and jerky ride. Never again, I swore. Never again. 

On our second trip, this time with the boys in 2019, the subway was not even an option. We rented a car. 

But for this trip, we opted to forgo a rental car and Ubering around was expensive and troublesome. Our group of eight needed two Ubers every time. My intrepid mother-in-law Amy (she is SO intrepid that I look like the older woman in terms of adventurous spirits...I could be her grandmother-in-law with our comparative lifestyles) was hoping to utilize the  Subway (Metro) for fun and practical reasons. I was, of course, very apprehensive. Very. But I also had had a few Uber rides with guys with scraped up cars (how did you get such a scraped up car?). After Jarret kindly kept assuring me that we didn't have to use the Subway I finally got him to see that it was improbably becoming my preferred option. I would just breathe and stare at my hands on the handrails and endure the escalators and clutch my baby girls in the crush of the Subway. I also pre-emptively took my ever present chewable GABA and slathered on a lavender based essential oil blend and didn't think about it any more. (I've learned through singing with my sisters at weddings that if you don't think about things until you have to, you have a lot less stress to endure.) As we walked up New Hampshire Avenue I felt positively normal, though. Weirdly normal. And when we arrived at the top of the Foggy Bottom escalator, to my surprise, the escalator was a normal size and the ceiling was much less crushing than I expected. When we stood at the machines loading money onto our cards, I felt like a person, not frozen in fight or flight. This felt like....neurofeedback results! Again! (I can't get into neurofeedback right now but ask anyone within earshot of me for the last couple months.) A body that reacts with staying in ventral vagal mode rather than sympathetic activation in a formerly triggering situation is a wonder to experience. 

Super handy, reloadable Metro cards ~ tickets to adventure

A pretty normal escalator

The subway wasn't crowded and the whole experience was completely fine. I may have done some breathing and self assessment that I'm not remembering but it felt like a miracle and became my favorite mode of transportation while in D. C. 

A very uncrowded Metro Center Station

Ascending from the bowels of the earth

Relaxing while waiting for the Metro

And when a day or two later we took the elevator five hundred some feet to the top of the Washington Memorial, I actually LEANED AGAINST the outer walls trying to get good pictures. Without feeling like my weight was going to be the final straw that brought the whole super-old stone-on-stone structure down. 

I couldn't help but exclaim to that same intrepid mother in law at the top of the tower that I couldn't believe that I would have missed out on SO many of my favorite memories had I not been able to face and conquer my fears.